The Love Dare Bible Study - Session 3, Part 1

Honoring and Cherishing Your Spouse

Session 3, Part 1

Gear Up

Honor can be defined as holding someone in high esteem, viewing someone or something as rare or special.

What words in this scripture describe a marriage of honor?

1Peter 3:7-8 (NIV)

"Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers. Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble."

What is one result of a husband not being considerate of his wife?

Your spouse is as much a part of you as your hand, your eyes, or your heart. Honor (or lack of it) becomes apparent in our conversations with one another---and with God. Our words, reactions, facial expressions, and tone of voice all shout a clear message to our spouses. They cry out "You are priceless to me!" or "You are worthless to me!"

Let's take a look at the statements below:

"She used to love to call me. Now it seems the only time she calls is when she wants something."

"My husband is so selfish! He thinks clean socks just fly from the hamper to the washer and dryer, and then back to the drawer."

"Making love…It has turned into a duty. How can I enjoy intimacy with someone who drives me crazy?"

"She's a total ditz when it comes to finances. She barely knows how to write a check, much less balance a checkbook."

Are these statements that honor our spouses?

What should come out of our mouths instead? Why?

Are there any times you are more vulnerable to saying hurtful words to your spouse?

Ephesians 4:25-27, 29 describes how "rotten talk" can become a habit, gradually eroding relationships.

^"25 Therefore, putting away lying, "Let each one of you speak truth with his neighbor," for we are members of one another. ²⁶ "Be angry, and do not sin": do not let the sun go down on your wrath, ²⁷ nor give place to the devil. ²⁹ Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers."

What do you think is meant by verse 27, "nor give place to the devil." ?

Jesus is the perfect example of viewing people as priceless and of great value – valuable enough to die for. He related to each person through a "lens" of honor and respect.

Depending on the lens you are looking through, by the way you interact, you are either telling your spouse he/she is priceless or worthless. Place a check under what you are communicating to your spouse in the areas below.

What I Tell My Spouse…            You Are Priceless!        You Are Worthless!

with my words

by how I treat his/her body

through meeting his/her needs

by how I make requests

with my behavior in conflict

by keeping my commitments

The Bible tells husbands to love their wives in the same way Christ loved the church (Eph. 5:25). When you love and honor your spouse, you are honoring and respecting Christ. The opposite is also the case.

The Love Dare
This Week: Read and Do - Day 8, Day 9, & Day 10.

The Love Dare Bible Study - Session 2, Part 1

The Power of Influence

If you are not leading your heart, then someone or something else is. The people you listen to and the influences you allow into your life impact your very destiny as a couple.

Ignite

If the last week challenged you, realize that you have an enemy who detests your choosing to participate in this journey of demonstrating genuine love. You also have a God whose power is greater and who will honor your commitment to your marriage.

" ⁷ Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. ⁸ Draw near to God and He will draw near to you." James 4:7-8

Love Dare – Day 1 & Day 2 challenged us to express genuine love through Patience and Kindness.

What is Patience? (Patience is where love meets wisdom.)

When you choose to be patient, you respond in a positive way to a negative situation.

Patience helps you give your spouse permission to be human. It understands that no one is perfect and everyone makes mistakes.

"See that no one repays another with evil for evil, but always seek after that which is good for one another." 1 Thessalonians 5:15

Few of us do patience very well, and none of us do it naturally. But wise men and women will pursue it as an essential ingredient to their marriage relationship.

What is Kindness? (Kindness is love in action.)

If patience is how love reacts in order to minimize a negative circumstance, kindness is how love acts to maximize a positive circumstance.

Patience avoids a problem; Kindness creates a blessing.

Patience is preventive; Kindness is proactive.

4 Core ingredients of Kindness: Gentleness, Helpfulness, Willingness, and Initiative.

Your spouse needs to be shown love (patience and kindness) most when they deserve it the least. It is at those times that your expression of love will speak the loudest to them. It is easy to show love when your receiving love in return. It is not so easy to show love when you're not receiving love in return. That is why it means so much when someone returns good for evil. It can change the atmosphere and turn things around.

Is it easy or difficult to demonstrate Patience and Kindness? Why?

The influences around you can directly affect the success of your marriage.

Let's look together at both the positive and negative influences on our lives and our love.

Which of these influences pose the greatest threat to marriages today?

___Media/Internet    ___Money/Debt    ___Work        ___Other

___Relationships    ___Schedules        ___Recreation

Which ones also have potential for positive impact on relationships?

It is up to us to minimize negative influences and maximize positive influences.

Living The Love Dare
This Week: Read and Do - Day 3, Day 4, and Day 5.

The Love Dare Bible Study - Session 1, Part 1

Leading Your Heart

Ignite

1. The Fireproof movie is a major part of our time together. If a movie were to be made about your life, what genre would it be? Why?

___Thriller ___Action/Adventure ___Tragedy ___Horror        

___Drama ___Romantic Comedy ___Love Story

Who would play you? ______________________

Who would play your spouse? _______________________

(No bad casting allowed!)

Humorous episodes…dramatic scenes…thrilling mysteries still unfolding – we're all in different "acts" and "scenes" in our marriages. No matter where you are or where you think you or your spouse ought to be, you have been invited into a unique and life-changing process: a journey of exploring and demonstrating genuine love, even when your desire is dry and your motives are low.

Moment-by-moment, it seems, our culture bombards us with different messages about love.

2. In General, what do you think our society is saying to us about what love is? About following our hearts?

What phrases, titles, or situations from media (songs, movies, TV) promote the idea of following your heart?

"If love is just this overwhelming emotion that we can do absolutely nothing about, then no marriage is safe" – Voddie Baucham

When you think about the state of your own heart right now, which of these words come to mind?

___cold ___cynical ___open ___joyful ___weary ___angry ___exhilarated other:______________

According to James 3:14-15, how might an angry or bitter heart take an individual (and a marriage) in the wrong direction?

"But if you have bitter envy and self-seeking in your hearts, do not boast and lie against the truth. This wisdom does not descend from above, but is earthly, sensual, demonic." (NKJ)

Following our hearts would be good if our hearts were always loving, in tune with God and desirous of the right thing. However, since as humans we are self-centered, prideful, and often deceived, following our hearts may not always lead us to do the right thing.

Describe a time you followed your heart and regretted it later.

Gear Up

(Movie clip 1)

3. In your opinion, what does Caleb Holt believe it means to be "in love"?

4. Why do you think Lieutenant Michael Simmons said, "When most people promise, 'for better or for worse', they really only mean, 'for the better'?"

5. Think back to your wedding day and the exchange of rings and vows. Were you committing to love your spouse unconditionally, for a lifetime? How's it going?

Following our hearts often means chasing after whatever feels right at the moment. Our emotions and feelings can be deceptive, leading us down the wrong path. Proverbs 16:25 cautions: "There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way of death." (NKJ)

Your heart follows your investments because your investments are those things in which you pour your time, money, and energy. It makes sense that they will draw your heart because your investments reflect your priorities.

6. If last week was typical for you, use it to evaluate your investments. In which of these areas did you invest significant time, energy, or money? Try to recall actual percentages of time spent and related activities.

___Job ___Hobby (specify) ___Retirement ___Spouse

___Children ___Church ___Friends ___Status/Wealth

-How does your actual use of time, energy, and money match your stated priorities?

(Movie Clip 2)

7. Based on Michael's advice to Caleb, what had Michael learned about the heart?

Leading your heart
means:

-Taking full responsibility for your heart's condition and direction.

-Realizing that you have control over where your heart is.

-Asking God for the power to guard or protect your heart by taking it off the wrong things and setting it on the right things.

If you choose to lead your heart to invest in your spouse, then your spouse is more likely to become your treasure.

8. In the above list, circle the action(s) you will try. Pray about the italicized statement.

Love is a decision and not just a feeling. It is selfless, sacrificial, and transformational. And when love is truly demonstrated as it was intended, your relationship can change for the better.

-Additional "Leading your heart" scriptures:

1 Kings 8:61        Proverbs 23:17, 19, 26    John 14:27-28        

Philippians 2:3    2 Timothy 2:22        James 4:8, 5:8

The Love Dare - Appendix IV

Leading Your Heart

What Is The Heart?

Your Identity. Your heart is the most important part of who you are. It is the center of your being, where the "real you" resides. "The heart of man reflects man" (Proverbs 27:19). As a person "thinks in his heart, so is he" (Proverbs 23:7).

Your Center. Since your physical heart is in the center of your body and sends life-giving blood out to every living cell, the word "heart" has been used for centuries to describe the core starting place of all your thoughts, beliefs, values, motives, and convictions.

Your Headquarters. Your heart is the Pentagon of your operations. As a result, every area of your life is impacted by the direction of your heart.

What's Wrong With Following My Heart?

It's foolish. The world says "Follow your heart!" This is the philosophy of new age gurus, self-help seminars, and romantic pop songs. Because it sounds romantic and noble, it sells millions of records and books. The problem is that following your heart usually means chasing after whatever feels right at the moment whether or not it actually is right. It means throwing caution and conscience to the wind and pursuing your latest whims and desires regardless of what good logic and counsel are saying. The Bible says, "He who trusts in his own heart is a fool, but he who walks wisely will be delivered" (Proverbs 28:26).

It's Unreliable. People forget that feelings and emotions are shallow, fickle, and unreliable. They can fluctuate depending upon circumstances. In an effort to follow their hearts, people have abandoned their jobs to reignite a lousy garage band, lost their life savings following a whim on a horse race, or left their lifelong mate in order to chase an attractive coworker who's been married twice already. What feels right in the height of sweet emotion often feels like a sour mistake a few years later. This selfish philosophy is also the source of countless divorces. It leads many to excuse themselves from their lifelong commitments because they no longer "feel in love."

It's Corrupt. The truth is, our hearts are basically selfish and sinful. The Bible say, "The heart is more deceitful than all else and is desperately sick; who can understand it?" (Jeremiah 17:9). Jesus said, "Out of the heart come evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, slanders" (Matthew 15:19). Unless our hearts are genuinely changed by God, they will continue to choose wrong things.

Why Is Following My Heart Not Enough?

Because our hearts are so subject to change and so utterly untrustworthy, the Scriptures communicate a much stronger message than "follow you heart." The Bible instructs you to lead your heart. This means to take full responsibility for its condition and direction. Realize that you do have control over where your heart is. You have been given the power by God to take your heart off one thing and to set it on something else. The following verses all communicate a message of leading your heart:

Proverbs 23:17 "Do not let your heart envy sinners."

Proverbs 23:19 "Direct you heart in the way."

Proverbs 23:26 "Give me your heart, my son, and let your eyes delight in my ways."    

I Kings 8:61 "Let your heart therefore be wholly devoted to the Lord our God."

John 14:27 "Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful."

James 4:8 "Purify your hearts."

James 5:8 "Strengthen your hearts."

How Do I Lead My Heart?

First, you need to understand that your heart follows your investment. Whatever you pour your time, money, and energy into will draw your heart. This was true before you were married. You wrote letters, bought gifts, and spent time together as a couple, and your heart followed. When you stopped investing as much in the relationship and started pouring yourself into other things, your heart followed you there. If you are not in love with your spouse today, it may be because you stopped investing in your spouse yesterday.

Check your heart. One of the keys to successfully leading your heart is to constantly be aware of where it is. Do you know what has your heart right now? You can tell by looking at where your time has gone in the past month, where your money has gone, and what you keep talking about.

Guard your heart. When something unhealthy tempts your heart, it is your responsibility to guard it against temptation. The Bible says, "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life" (Proverbs 4:23). Don't let your heart put money or your work above your spouse and family. Don't let your heart lust after the beauty of another woman (Proverbs 6:25). The Bible says, "If riches increase, do not set your heart on them" (Psalms 62:10).

Set your heart. The apostle Paul taught, "Set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God" (Colossians 3:1). It's time to identify where your heart needs to be and then choose to set your heart on those things. You say, "But I don't really want to invest in my marriage, I'd rather be doing this or that." I know. You've set your heart on that in the past and you are stuck in a "follow your heart" mentality. But you don't have to let your feelings lead you any more. Lust is when you set your heart on something that is wrong and forbidden. You can choose to take your heart off the wrong things and set it on what is right.

Invest your heart. Don't wait until you feel like doing the right thing. Don't wait until you feel in love with your spouse to invest in your relationship. Start pouring into your marriage and investing where your heart is supposed to be. Spend time with your spouse. Buy gifts. Write letters. Go on dates. The more you invest, the more your heart will value your relationship. This is what the Love Dare is all about – forty days of leading your heart back to loving your spouse.

How to Strengthen and Build Trust in Your Marriage

In order to have a strong marriage, you must have trust. It is the foundation for a solid and stable marriage. Without it your marriage may not be able to withstand the storms of life.

Having a strong marriage built on trust will also help you to avoid many of the struggles that your marriage could possibly face.

In order to Strengthen and Build Trust in your marriage, you must be:

___Open – You must be willing to open up completely to your spouse and share your deepest and most personal feelings, concerns, and emotions. Don't hide anything from them. This doesn't mean that you have to tell them every little detail about your past or reveal every single thought or feeling that you have. You do have a right to some privacy but you must be willing to provide them with any information that could have an impact on your marriage. If there is something they want to know, tell them. They need to understand why you feel or act the way you do. Communicate with them on a daily basis. Let them know what is going on in your mind and in your heart and how it affects you. The more you open up the closer you will become. You will know each other like nobody else does and that will create a very special bond between the two of you. This is very difficult for a lot of people to do but the more you do it the easier it becomes and it is well worth the effort. It is a wonderful feeling to know that you can tell your spouse anything and it's a wonderful feeling to know that they feel like they can tell you anything as well.

___Honest/Truthful – Never lie to anyone. Telling even a "little white lie" can be damaging and place doubt in your spouse's mind and cause them to wonder what else you may be lying about. You may feel like it would be better to tell a lie to keep from hurting their feelings or to avoid starting an argument but it's better to have all the facts on the table. Sometimes the truth hurts but, in the end, it is always the better choice. It's bound to come out sooner or later so there's really no point in trying to avoid it.

___Faithful – Never let anything or anyone come between you and your spouse. This includes extramarital relationships, pornography, addictions, and even parents, friends, hobbies or anything else that could cause division in your marriage. You have to set boundaries.

___Selfless – Do what is in the best interest of your spouse and your marriage. Put away your selfish desires and make your spouse and your marriage your top priority (other than God).

___Attentive – Pay attention to what your spouse is saying and show interest (or show that you would like to be interested). Study them and be observant. Know what their likes and dislikes are. Pay attention to their moods and respond, appropriately, so that they know you are paying attention and that you care.

___Caring/Concerned – Let them know that you care about what matters to them and what happens to them and how it affects them. Also, let them know that you care about your marriage and that you will do everything you can to make it the best that it can be.

___Sympathetic/Compassionate – Share in their struggles. You may not always be able to understand or relate to what they are going through but that doesn't really matter. You don't have to understand. All you have to do is try to understand and be there for them and help them in any way that you can. Sometimes all they will need is for you to listen and show that you care.

___Comforting – Be there for you spouse when they are going through a though time. Let them know that you are going to be there for them through whatever they are facing and that they are not alone. You will go through it together.

___Supportive – Let them know that you will stand behind/beside them and help them in any way that you can. Stand up for them.

___Encouraging – Let them know that you believe in them and that you know they can do anything they set their mind to.

___Available – Always be there for your spouse when they need you. Let them know that if there is anything that they need that you will do everything that you can to be there to meet that need.

___Reliable/Dependable – If you say you are going to do something then do it. If you say you are going to be somewhere then be there. Keep your word. If you are unable to fulfill your obligation then show courtesy by letting your spouse know in a timely manner.

___Responsible – Take care of your obligations. Don't make irrational or unwise decisions. This is especially true where money is concerned. Don't do anything that would put you, your marriage, or your family in jeopardy.

___Respectful – Treat them how you would like to be treated (this is the Golden Rule). Don't insult them, make fun of them, or call them names. Don't talk down to them. Don't be too sarcastic because that can come across as being an insult even if you meant it in a joking way.

___Discreet – Be careful about what information you share about your spouse with others (especially parents). Some things just need to be kept between you and your spouse. Don't expose their faults and shortcomings to others. Only speak positively about them.

___Thoughtful – Don't do anything or make your spouse do anything that would make them uncomfortable or put them in an awkward situation. Consider your spouse's feelings in regards to your actions, decision making, or plans. Let them know that you care about how they feel about things and that you would never want to do anything that they were not in agreement with you on.

___Fair – Don't be unreasonable. Don't expect too much from your spouse. Don't be demanding. When you are having a "discussion" you must fight fair. Don't bring up past failures or bring anything else into the "discussion" that doesn't belong there. Only discuss the situation at-hand. Don't bring family or friends into it. Be open-minded and willing to accept the possibility that you might be wrong. If you are wrong, admit it and apologize. If you are not wrong, show mercy toward your spouse. Sometimes it's not a matter of who is wrong and who is right. It may just be a differing of opinion. In this case, you need to agree to disagree and just let it go.

___Tolerant – You might not understand why they act or think the way they do, but understand that we are all human and we all have our own way of doing things and our own thoughts about things (God made us that way). Don't treat them badly just for being different from you and not doing things the way you would or thinking about things the way you do.

___Temperate – Control your temper. Keep your cool. If this is difficult for you, take deep breaths, try to relax, and remind yourself that losing control will only make things worse. Ask to be given time to cool down before proceeding with a "discussion" that may involve differing views of opinion. Don't let things build up until it gets to the point where you feel like you just can't keep it inside anymore or you feel like you're going to explode. Share your thoughts and feelings regularly in a loving and respectful way so that you and your spouse can work together to resolve any issue before it becomes an even bigger issue.

___Cooperative/Compromising – Be willing to work together. Don't be so stubborn to believe that your way is the only way that things can or should be done. You have to be willing to give a little sometimes.

___Patient – Endure trying circumstances with and even temper and without protest or complaint.

___Appreciative – Let them know how thankful you are for them and for the things that they do to contribute to your marriage and family.

___Uplifting – Don't be critical or put them down. None of us are perfect. Focus on the positive and point those things out to your spouse.

___Trusting – Don't express doubt about them doing something that they said they would do. Don't question all their actions or motives. This doesn't mean that you should be naïve. It just means, don't overreact and always think the worst. If you truly feel that they are behaving in a way that could be harmful to your marriage or family, then you need to sit down and have a mature discussion about it and let them know how you feel. I'm not just talking about cheating. I'm talking about any kind of behavior that is unhealthy for a marriage.

___Forgiving – Be willing to forgive them because we are all human and we all make mistakes. It probably won't be long before you need to be forgiven for something and if you were reluctant to forgive them then they might have a harder time forgiving you.

Now go back and rate yourself on a scale from 1 to 5 (1 being Good, 5 Not so Good) and then work to improve in the areas that you are weak in.

What is Important in a Marriage?

(These are some of our notes that we have been working on. This outline is not complete yet. We would like to get your thoughts on the topics below (especially the questions about Love). You can post a comment or send an e-mail to us at srhicks24@aol.com. Thanks! We look forward to your feedback.)

A. Putting God 1^st - It takes 3 to agree. 2 imperfect people + 1 perfect God.

1. Prayer

a. together as a couple.

b. for one another.

c. for guidance/decision making.

d. to help you to be what your spouse needs.

e. to prevent attacks from satan on your marriage.

f. for strength for daily living .

2. Living according to his Word.

3. Seeking God through Bible reading/studying and prayer.

4. Attending church regularly.

5. Being active in ministry.

B. Communicating – (needs to be done in a loving and respectful way)

1. Feelings, desires, hopes, dreams, fears.

2. How you feel about the current state of your marriage, things you would like to see change or improve and discuss ways to make that happen.

C. Love

1. What is Love?

2. What does it mean when you say "I Love You" ?

3. Different types of Love.

D. Communicating Love (5 Love Languages)

1. Words of Affirmation

2. Quality Time

3. Gifts

4. Acts of Service

5. Physical Touch

The Importance of Prayer in a Marriage

When You Don't Have a Prayer

Written by Stephen Kendrick

This article is courtesy of HomeLife.

When my wife, Jill, and I started dating, I told her I had set aside physical affection in order to guard our hearts. "But," I said, "every time we pray together, I'd like to hold your hand." She looked at me with a twinkle in her eye and said, "Let's pray!"

Seven great years of marriage later, prayer is still one of the most uniting factors in our relationship. But that's just the starting point. Prayer does exponentially more for a marriage than you can imagine.

Prayer Empowers
God uniquely tied marriage to prayer. In 1 Peter 3:7, we learn that a man's prayer life is hindered if he's mistreating and dishonoring his wife. Are you bitter with your spouse? Mark 11:25 implies that mountain-moving prayers are blocked by an unwillingness to forgive. And when a couple ties the knot, Scripture reveals that God has joined them together (Matt. 19:4-6). But as a wedding gift, God also gives each spouse a prayer partner for life.

When a husband and wife pray together, they usher the presence of God into their marriage in a special way. His presence brings the love, joy, and peace that we all need residing in our imperfect homes.

Prayer Impacts
Is your spouse imperfect? Have you noticed some things the love of your life needs to work on? Good! Husbands and wives have the front-row view of the skeletons in their mate's closet — your marriage conveniently unloading your spouse's baggage into your life. Ever wondered why God gives you overwhelming insight into his or her hidden faults? For endless nagging? No, for effective kneeling. No one knows better how to pray for your spouse than you. Fault-finding is not for criticism; it's for intercession.

Have you chosen to nag your spouse rather than pray for him or her? How's that working for you? Nagging can never change a heart. Talk to God instead. It's much more effective; God can handle any issue and actually encourages you to place the problem in His hands (Luke 18:1-8).

My wife knows she changes my heart through prayer more than any other way, especially nagging. Nagging is counterproductive. Proverbs 25:24 says, "Better to live on the corner of the roof than in a house shared with a nagging wife." Instead, a wise husband will find a quiet corner of the house and use it as a place to pray for his wife. Try it! Turn your complaints into prayers and watch God work.

Prayer Unites
Many marriages consist of two people who have become enemies. Consider this: It's hard to hate someone you're praying for. Your heart simply won't allow it. It's also hard to sling mud on a person who is praying for you. Does your marriage break out in all-out combat on a consistent basis? Try bombing your battles with prayer instead of anger. It brings amazingly effective peace talks to the conflict.

But don't just pray for your imperfect spouse before or after the battle. Pray with him or her during the battle. It's hard to launch scud missiles when you're on your knees praying for each other.

Just imagine the scene: Lord Jesus, we've gathered together now to pray so we don't hurt each other. We're both fighting mad right now and need your help. I pray now for my wife, whom I love dearly. Give her the grace to forgive me, the patience to put up with me, and the wisdom to understand me. Help me to deal with my anger and misunderstanding of her needs and feelings. Unite our hearts and speak peace to our storm right now. You have joined us as one; help us know what to do. (It may seem awkward at first but remember, a spiritual battle is fought in prayer [Eph. 6:10-18]. I dare you to try this.)

Scripture says prayer is a fragrant incense to God (Rev. 5:8). It's pleasing to Him and ushers couples into His presence. But have you noticed that God also has blessed prayer with an amazing ability to draw hearts together? Hearing your spouse pray for your needs, for protection, and for God's blessings over your life is an intimate experience.

I feel so in love with my wife after I've spent time praying with her. When God joins your hands in marriage, He also wants to join your hands in prayer. Don't fail to open God's most precious wedding gift.